Back in 1995 a very small kitten made her way into my life and yesterday she quietly left me again.

I can never repay Dex for all those wonderful years.

For the purrs and the bitchy maos.

For the shoulder perching sessions and helpful napping on my mouse-hand when I played computer games.

For her insistence on sleeping directly in front of my face at night (which meant every time I rolled over she’d climb over me to get in place again).

For her desire as a younger cat to Climb Things And Get Stuck.

Or to spin in circles chasing the role-playing dice that gave her her name (Miss Target Dexterity).

For all the good memories and even the not-so-good ones, I will forever be in her debt.

If you have never had to put a beloved pet to sleep, I don’t think there is anyway I can put into words the depths of that pain– or the guilty relief that finally their suffering is over. It’s a mind-numbing oscillation that has left me feeling empty and broken, even with three Very Concerned Dogs who aren’t quite sure what is going on.

But today is better than yesterday, and tomorrow will be better than today… in that creeping infinitesimal way that gives you hope that someday you might be okay again.

I took Friday off of work and spent the entire day petting her, pampering her, letting her nap the laptop, and generally harassing her with the camera. It was the best day we had together in a long time and I wouldn’t give up a minute of it for anything. I only hope that I will get to spend the same time with the dogs before they go.

And yeah, the next few days and weeks and months are going to hurt like hell.

She was worth it.